Juan Is Luv

I had just finished watching "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" when my cleaner knocked on my door. I walked down to the front door and opened it wide open, knowing his large hat that I could see through the glass door that was installed into my house for some reason. It was made of straw and had a large, pointy end.
My cleaner's name was Juan and he was standing at the door with his shirt wide open. His eyes were pure red and he grass stains all over his knee. He was holding a DVD in his left hand while a white substance rested in his right. The DVD was named "SHWEK 666 1969 LEL". I gasped, knowing exactly what that video had inside of it, and ran back into my house. Juan had big, manly and muscular legs.... Oh sorry. His legs were making me feel funny. He was easily able to catch up to my weak body as I'd played too much "COD MODERN FUCKFARE" in my lifetime.
He pushed me to the ground and ripped my shirt off with his big...strong....*Gurgle noises*.
His eyes were glowing red and he had a large smile across his face. He knew what to do. He proceeded to take off the rest of my clothes and throw them across the room. I was now fully naked and quivering in fear. Juan THEN showed me his left hand - The white substance oozing out of his clenched fist. He looked at me (Still smiling) and raised his eyebrows questioningly. I nodded as to agree for him to do this.
He rubbed the white liquid all over my chest and took pictures at different angles. Some would be low down and others high up. He even took a few selfies.
When he had finished he posted the pictures to Headbook, Instakilo and Barker. He then took his long, pointy straw hat and stuffed it down my throat. I then died.
But in my last moments I whispered to the voices in my head. "Juan is Luv" I said. "Juan, is Death".